Subject: Self-Introduction
Dear Prof Blackstone,
I am writing this email to
introduce myself as a student attending your effective communication module. My
name is Chuah Sande. I am currently a year 1 student studying mechanical
engineering at the Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT). I graduated with a
diploma in mechatronics and robotics in Singapore Polytechnic.
From young, seeing giant robots
on television move about had always caught my eye, and thanks to this, I am a
collector of many plastic models, namely the Gundam series. Being able to
assemble these robots was a childhood dream of mine, but now, that dream has
evolved to the one to one scale. Thus, my dream is to build a giant robot that
can move with controls. This is the reason why I choose to dive into the world
of engineering.
My area of weakness in
communication is that I am not an outgoing person in terms of speaking. I do
not make the first move when meeting other people for the first time. It will
be either the person comes to me or we do not converse at all. This is, of
course, a wasted opportunity to gain more connections and is something I wish
to fix deeply.
As my communication strength, I believe
that once I have started to converse with another person, I would be less stiff
as time goes on. I would be able to converse more actively and positively with
the person.
The goal I am aiming for in this
module is to be able to take the first step in speaking to another person for
the first time and be able to present myself with confidence in both a casual
and professional environment.
I look forward to learning more from
you this semester.
Best regards,
Chuah SandeEdited on 30/01/2020
Hope to see some amazing robots built by you in the future! (your words and background has a similar colour, making it tougher to read)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jarl for the feedback, i have changed the colours, hopefully, it will be easier to see now.
ReplyDeleteCommented on Kai Chuan and Adley's post.
ReplyDeleteDear Sande,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing more about you, I truly got to know you better through reading your self-introduction.
There a few things I would like to point out, that I feel could help you.
Firstly, I feel that it would be better if you split your strengths and weakness into one paragraph each. I feel that it would give the reader ease of differentiating your strength and your weakness.
Secondly, I would love to know a little more about the robot that you dream of building and how pursuing a degree in mechanical engineering would help you achieve this dream.
Lastly, I feel that your self-introduction was well written and I was intrigued in your introduction as you talk about Gundam and how it sparked your interest in mechatronics and robotics.
I look forward to getting to know you more in this module and hope we can reach our goals together.
Yours sincerely,
Chua Jarl
Dear Jarl,
DeleteI give my thanks for giving me such wonderful feedback, i also look forward to knowing you as well in this module.
PS. The weakness paragraph ended very closely to the edge, thus making the strength paragraph not look like a paragraph at all.
Cheers,
Sande
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your dream about robot. As I was looking through the content of your letter, I believe there are some pointers I observed and would like to share with you.
1.Content of letter
The content of your letter is pretty well fulfilled. I am glad you have a dream for robots which you inspired a lot which eventually led to your interest in engineering.
2.Organization and structure
In first paragraph, perhaps if you start off with introducing your name followed by the sentence to highlight the self-explanatory title “self-introduction” would allow a better flow. Also, you could link sentences for instance, in your first paragraph “I am writing this email to introduce myself as a student in your effective communication class, currently studying mechanical engineering in Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT).” This can reduce the use of unnecessary full stops.
3. Use of repetitive words
From my second point, which led to starting the sentence with “I am”. Thus, as far as possible if commas are used, it forms a better structure and reader can read through your letter more smooth.
Other than the above mentioned, all in all I enjoyed reading your introduction letter. Making the first step is not easy but I truly wish you can step of your “comfort zone” and start conversing with others first. I hope my observations aid you in some way and look forward to learning in class together.
Best regards,
Chester Lim
Dear Sande,
ReplyDeleteThank you for the well written and informative letter. I enjoyed learning aboutthe way that a fascination with robots has inspired you to become an engineer.
You also do a good job of mentioning your comm skills weakness and strength, and your goals are clear. We will address those in the module.
Thanks again.
Brad